


Christmas Thoughts

by borntosik



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 16:12:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6712057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/borntosik/pseuds/borntosik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After living in Bristol for the last four months, Rae still misses her family and her friends. And now that the Christmas holiday has arrived, she knows she has something to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Christmas Thoughts

She lies alone for the third night in that empty flat far away from home.

Three months ago, she was leaving her family, friends and town for the promising Bristol. She thought she could make it, and she did. After two lonely and dark weeks on her own in a city she didn’t know, she started to do everything by herself. She made friends, she passed her exams…

Now she’s in a small room, alone. The walls are completely painted in white, as any other student room or flat. They’re always that colours, and she doesn’t understand why. Nevertheless, the room has some of the posters she had in her room. Oasis, Radiohead, The Stone Roses… make her company in that cold room.

She hated that place by the moment she opened the door. It hadn’t had anything of her. That’s how it all started. The first thing she did in Bristol: decorate her own space with her stuff. Make it comfortable to be in, as she was going to be there for the next years.

Christmas break has come, as with that, her flatmates have gone to their towns to spend time with their families. Claire, one of Rae’s mates asked her last week if she wanted to come with her to Liverpool, but she refused. She wished she could go somewhere to spend the Christmas Holidays, but that’s the main reason she’s not going to Tunisia.

Linda called her two weeks ago, telling her it was impossible for her to give her money to pay for a flight ticket. It was expensive and she had already paid Rae’s bills. Rae understands. Linda’s paying Uni’s fees and Karim is doing extra work in the Tunisian factory in order to pay Rae’s studies. She’s more than grateful for it. Even though, Rae misses her family. Now more than ever. She wishes for a train ticket to Stamford, but she knows for a fact that she doesn’t have a place to stay. She can always ask Chloe or Archie, but she could stay in their places for a couple of days. They have their families too.

It’s her first Christmas Holiday she spends away from her family and friends, and she misses them all. She hoped for a small reunion in her living room, surrounded by everybody, even Kester. She wanted to tell everybody how well she was doing in Uni, but her thoughts at the moment are quite the opposite.

Rae hates being alone. Being on her own means she has a lot of time to think. Overthink about stuff. Stuff she doesn’t want to remember.

She takes a glimpse around her room, paying attention at every detail she has put in her little place she calls now home. Her posters and her small record collection remind her of her bedroom. Her fingers touch the mattress in slow-motion, feeling the tact of the cotton. Her eyes stop in her bedside table where a picture of her and Chloe rests. She remembers that picture. It’s one of the first ones they took after she left hospital. Izzy had taken it. One of those boring afternoons in Stamford where the girls went on their own to buy girly things.

She smiles when the memory hits her brain. She had fun that day.

Her eyes are still rooming the place, catching a few things like her leather jacket or Karim’s necklace. She always takes it off when she takes a shower. That piece of cheap silver has given her hope since the first day. It’s like… her good luck charm. She bites her bottom lip, remembering the time when he gave it to her. He was so proud of her… So proud of her going to Bristol…

Her desk, in front of her, has three of her books. Mountains of white papers with her typewriting are marked in yellow and orange highlighter. She still has another exam to do after Christmas break, so she won’t get bored the next days. She also has to write a paper about Macbeth and she hasn’t even start the book yet.

She turns herself down over the bed and opens the first drawer of the small table on her side. Three red books are there. She wants to close the drawer, but she wants to write. She wants to express herself in the better way she knows since she used to visit Dr. Kann: Her diaries.  

She grabs the one on top because it’s the latest one. It’s full of pages from her last days in Stamford. She has also written a few pages in Bristol, but not in a regular basis. She doesn’t write as often anymore. She’s still coping with her mental illness, but she does her best and not writing everything in those pages, but talk to people.

The diaries are now thrown over the duvet and Rae stands up from the bed. She bends down and picks the plug of the fairy lights that are around the headboard of the bed and plugs it in. Instantly, the room is illuminated with different but bright colours like blue, pink and yellow.

A tear falls off the corner of her eye, remembering why she brought those lights a couple of months ago. She lies on the bed again and picks one of the diaries. She knows which one is has to pick. She has read them quite a few times, and looks for _the_ entry. She reads it carefully, trying not to cry in the process.

 _6 th of September, 1996  
Dear Diary,  
I fucked everything up! We went on camping and I thought I had everything sorted to have the best weekend and shag Finn Nelson until there was nothing left. __Chop didn’t get three tents. HE BROUGHT JUST TWO! For the six of us!! But that’s not the thing. After having the worst day seeing Izzy and Chop kiss all day without having none by myself, Finn takes my hand and walks me around. And then, this caravan of sex appears from nowhere. And we almost have sex. I say ALMOST because, as always, I fuck everything up._  
Now looks like Finn is upset with me.

She can feel how her eyes are watering. If she blinks, her face will be covered with tears for the next half hour. She knows it. It’s not the first time.

The memory of Finn is always in her mind. She often thinks about him, but she doesn’t blame herself. She loves him. She _still_ loves him. And she will be for a very long time.

More pages are turned and she reads every Finn that is written in those pages. Blank pages full of memories that she will always keep with her. She reads the entry when Archie finally came out. She reads pages full of Chloe everywhere, talking about Ian and Saul. About her problems with her best friend. She misses them all.

She blinks her eyelashes while putting back her head, holding her tears. Hurtful pages are about to come, and she reads them carefully.

 _16th of December, 1996_  
_Dear Diary,_  
 _Today’s been a tough day. Mum is still in hospital but I’ve been able to see my baby little sister. I'm someone’s big sister. Can you believe it?_  
 _Anyway, Finn came back from Leeds! All I did was cry in front of him, telling him I wasn’t going to college anymore but you know what? He cheered me up by telling me a story about a disable toilet… And he told me he likes me because I’m strong!!!_

She tries to remember with every detail what happened in hospital. That week, was one of the hardest weeks in her whole existence. Linda in hospital because of the baby, her Dad leaving her for the second time in her life, Finn not being around her, Kester scaring her off, she herself leaving college…

 _18th of December, 1996_  
_Dear Diary,_  
 _We’ve done it! I had sex with my Adonis. Remember when I said Archie was the tyrannosaurus of Sex? Well, I take it back. So many chances thrown away because of my insecurities and now I realize he doesn’t give a toss about them. He likes me for who I am._

She laughs after reading the last entry. She couldn’t believe she had actually had sex with Finn Nelson, fittest lad in Lincolnshire. And by that time, he was hers. She wonders if he’s still hers…

Does he think about her? Does he _still_ remember her? She wishes he does, as much as she always does.

That doesn’t mean she’s constantly thinking about him, but once a week, memories of Finn around her hit her brain. Loads of things remind Rae of Finn. University, the flat she’s now sharing with her flat mates, her own room… And even if she’s tried to meet other people (and by people, mean boys), they’re always reminding them of her ex.

Freckles, brown eyes, nice but non-perfect smiles, ears pierced… Every small detail is hiding in Rae’s memory for the time when she gets home. Then it’s when she remembers.

She leans the red book over the duvet and stands up, sits on the floor and hold the phone she has on one side of her bedside table. She marks the numbers with trembling fingers. She holds her breath until she’s able to hear the phone giving signal to the number she just rang.

“Hello?” She bites the tip of her tongue and waits. “Hello?”

But she can’t handle it and hangs up the phone.

She thought she could talk to him. After three months, she thought she was over _him._ Doesn’t look like it. Now her hands are trembling and she’s afraid of him. If he’s smart, he’ll know it’s her who called him and he’ll ring. He’ll ring and she’ll be afraid to speak to him. But why should she be afraid of speaking to him? He’s not gonna hurt her.

She picks up the phone again and marks quicker.

“Hello?”

Now, the voice on the other side of the phone is different. Deeper… Older…

“Hello, Mr. Gemmel. It’s Rae. Rachel Earl…” She smiles against the microphone, rolling her index finger into the telephone wire.

“Goodnight, Rae…” She thinks he doesn’t want to sound rude, but his voice doesn’t look like it. He’s probably tired after working all day. After all, it’s ten forty-one.

A small voice could be heard on the background. An _‘I got it’_ from a voice she can always recognize everywhere is on the other side of the line.

“Rae?” She lets escape a deep breath through her open mouth, biting her bottom lip before saying hello.

“Hiya, Chlo’…” She wipes a brief tear that has escaped the corner of her left eye and smiles wider.

“How are you? By the way, Happy Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas, Chloe…”

“Is everything okay, Rae?” Her friend whispers.

She never realizes how much Chloe cares about her and the ability she has to get stuff without speaking to her. She knows Rae as well as her toes.

“Yeah, why?”

“I dunno… It’s late and you’re calling…” She stops speaking for a second, but the she talks again quicker, explaining herself. “I didn’t mean… I don’t mean that I don’t want you to call me. I’m really happy you called because I’m happy to hear from you, but I’m worried you’re calling for… for something…”

Rae turns around and picks one of her diaries in her hands and stands up, leaning in the bed again without dropping the phone to the floor.

“I just… You know I told you I couldn’t go to Tunisia with my mum and I’m dead bored in here on my own. My flat mates have left and you know, Christmas is a day to spend with family…” She swallows her words as if they were Christmas sweets, because she doesn’t stop to even breathe. “I’ve been reading my old diaries and… You know… I’ve read stuff…” She keeps staring at the book, playing with its pages. “I just missed you…” She laughs through the phone, making the most sincere confession she has said to her the funniest joke.

“I miss you too, babe…” The two girls keep quiet for a few seconds, until Chloe speaks again. “I could maybe catch a train for New Year’s Eve… If you want me to…”

Rae laughs against the microphone of the telephone and nods, even if her best mate can’t see her expression.

“You know I’d love that…”

“Why don’t you come home? I can put a mattress against my bed… You know you can come whenever you want, don’t ya babes?”

“I have papers to finish, though… I’m the first who wants to come back, but my professors gave me some time to finish my work. They know I’m going to therapy in between classes… I can’t miss the date they gave me. Sorry…” She answers in a pity voice.

And that’s right. She’s full of things because she couldn’t finish them before because of her therapy sessions. Even though she doesn’t go more than she used to when she had Kester, Dr. Miller wants her to come twice a week. Happening to be in Uni days…

“I promise I’ll come back as soon as I have free time. I promise…”

“Okay…”

The girls keep talking for about half an hour about what’s going on in Stamford, about Chloe’s new Business School, how Izzy is coping in Peterborough… She wants to ask about Finn, but every time she tries, she asks for someone else.

“Babe, I have to go… Promise me you’ll be okay, yeah? Call me at any time. I now have loads of time to spend on the phone…”

“Don’t worry… I will!” She laughs again, hanging on the telephone and takes a deep breath. 

Once again, she marks Finn number. After speaking with her best mate, she feels better with herself and finds the strength to call him. She waits until the phone gives signal and she’s ready for what it comes from the other side of the line. What she doesn’t expect is to hear nothing. Not a hello, hiya or a moody Finn against the other side of the phone.

She waits patiently for him to initiate the conversation, but the only thing she hears if she pays attention, is his breathing.

For the second time, she hangs up and stands up from her bed to go to the kitchen, drinking a big glass of water in one go. Why didn’t he say anything? Did he recognize her? Is that why he didn’t say a word? Does that even mean he doesn’t want to speak to her? After all this time?

She wants to erase that thinking of her mind and grabs the phone again and with a bright smile, marks another number she remembers full well. It’s been a long time since she spoke to him, but she really needs a full session of Archie to spend the night. He’ll make her forget about Finn. At least, for a few minutes.

“Hello?”

“Good night, does any Uncle Archie live in here?” She speaks while she laughs for the old nickname he put himself during college years.

“Rae? Is that you?”

“Have you met any other Rae while being in college and you didn’t tell me or what?” She laughs again, happy to hear from him. It’s been a while since she last saw him.

“Oh God Rae! How are you?” He speaks, more excited than her, she guesses.

“I’m good, yeah… And you? It’s been a while since me and you had a chat.” She smiles to herself, remembering some memories she had with Archie before leaving Stamford.

“I have loads to tell you! Lots of stuff has happened…”

Rae laughs hard and holds the phone tighter against her ear.

“Archie! It’s been only 3 months, you know?”

“I know, but… God.”

“Go on, tell me…”

“Where do I start? Remember the guy I told you was living in my same residence? Well… A month ago, I was on the library, studying for my exams and he came to me and he just gave this yellow paper I use to write my notes and it said I wasn’t gonna spend that weekend on my own… At first I was like: What kind of weirdo does that?”

“So…”

He laughs through the phone, making it obvious the answer.

“I think I’ll have someone to bring here in summer, I guess…”

They keep talking about the new Archie’s boyfriend for a few minutes. He tells him how many dates they’ve been on, what they’ve been doing… He does even tell her all the details (as they used to share back in Stamford). She can sense he’s happy, so she’s happy too.

“We haven’t spoken about you, have we? How are things down there?” What she’s been trying to avoid since their hello’s, it’s finally here.

“Not much, really…”

“Aren’t you coming back to Stamford?”

“You know I can’t. I was supposed to travel to Tunisia to see my mum, but the flight is quite expensive and because she’s paying everything in Bristol, I can’t go… But it’s okay.”

“I could pay your train ticket if you want me to…”

“Nah, it’s alright, mate… Got loads of things to do in here too.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah…”

They don’t say anything for a few seconds, but Archie doesn’t take much time to break the ice again.

“Is everything okay, Rae?”

“Yeah. Why for?”

“I… I spoke to Chloe. About you coming home… If your problem is that you can’t afford the trip, it’s alright. We can pay for the ticket and you can sleep in here. Or Chloe’s. You know that’s not a problem…” She bites her bottom lip and nods to herself, holding the pillow with one arm, as if she could hug her best mate through the telephone.

“I already told you… I have things to do and I don’t have enough free time to go there. I promise I’ll go as soon as I can.”

“Is not…? Tell me you’re not coming because of Finn…”

That… that was unexpected.

“Of course not!” She instantly answers. Finn is not a reason to avoid her friends. Finn is not _that_ important. “I need to read a few things, to write some papers… The teachers are keeping me busy because of my therapies, that’s all…”

Archie does a weird sound with his mouth and Rae takes that as he believes in her words. She’s telling the truth. She can’t come back because she has stuff to do, not because of Finn…

“I gotta go, now…” She raises half of her body to sit over the bed and picks the other extreme of the phone. “I’m starving… And I’m not gonna feed myself with the headboard of my room, am I?” She keeps laughing until Archie says he also has to go. “Bye Archer…”

She hangs up the phone and leaves her room. She doesn’t even remember what the kitchen has. She could survive with some of her private chocolates, maybe… She can go shopping tomorrow.

After preparing herself a salad, she grabs the white bowl and comes back to her room. She drops the diaries from one of the side of the bed and eats it all, leaving the small pieces of carrot for the end.

She wants to ring him again, but she certainly knows she won’t say a wrong once again. She can’t. He’s bringing loads of memories to her head and if she rings, she’ll break into millions of pieces. Chatting with Archie or Chloe it was a lot easier than him. She can talk about anything of her life in here, but Finn…

She takes the red phone in her hands and marks his phone number again, and waits until it gives signal. She won’t talk much, she decides. She’ll just say hello, and she’ll wish him merry Christmas. That’s all. Then, she’ll hang up the phone as if nothing had happened. Yes. That’s what she’ll do.

“Hello?” And there he is. His voice. After four months… “Hello?”

But she has the urge to hang up. It’s the best for them both. Five seconds of silence without any answer from her and she’s almost hanging up.

“Please, don’t hang up, Rae…” He whispers in the lowest of voices.

She stays quiet for, at least, 20 seconds, waiting for something to say. Her mouth is open, waiting for words to come out. It’s been a long time since she had heard his sweet and deep voice… And now that he’s finally speaking to her, she can’t think of anything to say.

She had been thinking some things to tell him. She’s been dying to tell him her adventures in Bristol. How proud she was of herself involving her body issues and how quickly she made friends in the southern city. Even if she still has exams to do, she already knows she passed 50% of the subjects.

Maybe she doesn’t have to talk about how much she misses him, about how she’s still fond of him. Maybe she can avoid the subject by telling him random stuff like how funny their flat mates are, talk about the record shop she has near Uni or how hard she’s been studying for her exams.

“Hi…” She speaks after a while.

“Hiya…” He doesn’t sound quite happy, but she needs to hear his voice. She’s been keen to hear it after a while.

“How’ve you been?”

“Alright… You?”

“Good, too.”

Another silence is add to their conversation, until Finn breaks the ice between them.

“Has anything happened, Rae?”

“No. Why?”

“Then, what is it?”

“What is it, what?”

“Why… didn’t you answering the phone? It was you who rang me before, right?” She can notice how insecure he is in this moment. He tries to hide his feelings really well, though he doesn’t have secrets for her. Not anymore.

Without realizing, a tear escapes from the corner of her eye and she doesn’t notice what she says until she says those three little words. The ones she’s been avoiding.

“I miss you…”

She puts her hand over her mouth, regretting being so fragile and vulnerable when she speaks to him. She’s always like that with him. Even if she tries to be strong, she can’t. Because of him. Because it’s him. She can’t lie to him about her feelings. Her body acts to his words like dynamite and her feelings explode when he’s around.

“I’m sorry I didn’t pretend-”

“I’ve been missing you too, Rae…” His voice is now quieter, almost a whisper. And she cries. She cries until her eyes are as dry as the dessert.

Finn waits until she stops crying, not saying anything on the other side of the phone. Although what he wants the most is hearing her voice, he knows he has to wait. She needs to soothe herself so they can have a proper conversation, because they need it.

“Hello…” He speaks after a long five minutes of tears and gasps. She can’t stop a laughter that escapes her lips and a smile appears in her face. She dries her tears with the corner of the blanket and takes a deep breath before answering.

“How is it possible to make me laugh right after I cry my heart out for you?” She tries to make a joke or the situation, although it’s the truth. They both know it.

“I hate hearing you cry, Rae…”

“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be a dickhead…” He laughs through the phone, making her laugh, remembering their dickhead joke when they used to go out.

“ _You_ are the dickhead…” She takes a deep breath and grabs the blanket in her arms, protecting herself from the coldness of the winter night. “Only God knows how much I’ve missed your voice…”

“I miss it too. Especially now when I’m in bed on my own…” He tries to joke with her for a bit, just to avoid their conversation about their actual feelings at the moment.

“You idiot…” She bites her lips with a smile on them, imagining Finn under his sheets as he used to be when he stayed the night in her room some Friday nights.

“How are things down there?” He asks.

“I’m buried under tons of books and essays and papers and things I have to do during the Holidays…” She takes a look around her room; thinking for a couple of seconds all the stuff she has to do in just two weeks.

“Sounds funny…” He laughs again. That makes Rae happy, because all she wanted is to have a nice chat with her ex. She had been expecting tears and yells and words she’d regret the next day. “Does that mean I won’t have the honor to see you these days?”

She gives him the sweetest of her smiles, even if he can’t see it.

“I’m afraid you won’t.”

“Why’s that?”

“I told you. I have work to do in here… Exams to prepare… And I don’t have the money, so…”

If only she could come back to Stamford and spend a few days with her friends, just hanging out, going to the chippy and celebrating the end of the year on a place similar to where the rave was hosted. Everybody would be there but her.

“Don’t tell me it’s all because of the money… You know you can stay here if you need to. I don’t mind paying your train ticket.”

“I’d be staying at Chloe’s, anyway. She wanted to, though...” She pouts, thinking of the amount of possibilities and offers she had from friends.

She had a good and comfortable bed in Chloe’s house, a small but warm duvet on the other side of Archie’s bed, Izzy sent her an e-mail too, telling her she had the spare room free of people through the holidays. And now Finn. Finn, who lived on his own for half a year, with a big bed where she slept a couple of times in, and the sofa. His sofa-bed… The one they had to put up the stairs…

“It’s a pity… I had something for you.”

“What?”

“It’s nothing, really. I was just passing the other day and thought about buy me new stuff. And I found something you might like…”

“And…”

“It’s not that I was thinking about you or something… It just happened. You know?” He says trying to play it cool, because he’s always trying to be that way with her. He sometimes feels embarrassed to show his most romantic side of himself.

“Oh no. You definitely didn’t. I know how those things work, ‘course…” She answers sarcastically, breaking into a big laughter and, finally, she whispers the words she wanted to say to him. “Merry Christmas, Finn…”

“Merry Christmas, Rae…”


End file.
